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Paris Hilton Is Ridiculously Weak

by Alan Henderson in gossip

Why must Paris Hilton cry a river each day about her trifling issues when real people have real troubles?

Paris Hilton, world famous socialite, has been jailed. These are dark days for a very soft woman who is used to getting her way in every situation, every time. Well, for once, at long last, the woman received a surprise in the form of a jail sentence that couldn't be made to disappear with one mighty wave of her rich family's magic wand. None of her MTV connections, rich friends, or social contacts, could, or would prevent her from taking some medicine this time. And now I'm forced to wonder, will Paris Hilton learn anything from this experience?

paris cries

So far the signs point to Paris remaining willfully ignorant about what she did to wind up in jail

So far the soul-searching hasn't reached deep. In fact, when she found out she was headed back to jail, she exclaimed with a whimper: "It's not fair, It's not right."

As if to explain her actions, she continued: "I'm not the same person I was. I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. Now, I would like to make a difference. God has given me this new chance."

paris sucks

The change of heart was much too pat to be considered seriously. She couldn't have had that much of an about-face in such a short period of time. She even called the few hours she spent in jail "by far the hardest thing I have ever done". "I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage," she said. "It was a horrible experience."

When Paris was put back in jail, she again nearly broke down. She's been visited by her parents and examined by psychologists in a short span of time. Come on people! This is jail, not prison dammit! When I was a young man I had a friend who had to go to a real prison for a very long time and he didn't cry as much as this sniveling weasel has done over a short jail sentence.

Perhaps it's time for Paris Hilton to grow up. She can put away her "childish things", like her endless socializing lifestyle and all of her party pals and get on with actually doing something with her life. After all, she's one of the most privileged brats to ever exist. Maybe it's high time she acted like an adult and did something for society.

tiny violin

Until that time, I just won't listen when I hear the sound of Paris Hilton's cries. What's that you hear now? Listen. It's the world's tiniest violin playing just for Paris Hilton.

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